You know the feeling. That restless feeling of trying to find something to do and not being satisfied with anything. "Maybe I'll read this book. ... Nah. Maybe I'll read that one. Yea, yea ... no. Maybe I'll get on the computer. ... Eh. Or watch some TV. Okay, I guess so." And then you're distracted for a little while by those things, but they really don't satisfy. They really don't fill you up.
Or maybe you're really busy. Running through the list of things you have to do today, wondering how you'll ever get it done. "Great!" you think, "That's finished. ... But oh, here are the other million things staring me in the face. I just want a break!" So, you think, in the middle of being busy, how can I feel restless? But a similar feeling creeps in - a feeling that tells you this is pointless and wasting your time. That it could be well spent doing something much better.
And often times frustration comes with either extreme - what is the reason for all of it? Why am I not happy? Why am I not satisfied? Why does neither having nothing to do or having everything to do make me feel good about how I'm spending my time? It's during these moments, which, between the two types, happen rather often, that I start to realize I'm not made for this world. Yes, there is a feeling in me that says to relax, to enjoy life, to have things be simple and happy. But being idle often leaves me bored and having a sense of something lacking. And yes, there is also an opposing feeling in me that says to work, to get things done, to check things off so I can be happy and know that I have accomplished something important - that my life (and the days that make it up) have a purpose, have a point. But often the actions that result leave me feeling burnt out and spent and longing for rest and peace.
It is so hard to understand the balance, yet often I sense that there can be no perfect balance, at least not in this life, not on this earth. Because both of these feelings - wanting rest and wanting to serve a purpose - are indeed desires placed in us that foreshadow our purpose in the world we were made for. When we get to heaven, we will fully rest in Chr1st, as well as we will be perfectly accomplishing the purposes He has set out for us to do - simultaneously with no tension and no confusion and no sense of restlessness. But on this earth, though we strive to find the balance, sadly to say it is impossible. This world, because of its fallenness and our sinful nature, will never provide us with satisfaction, and we will never truly understand how to rest in Chr1st while at the same time being faithful and disciplined to do as He calls us - to not waste our time and to use it to bring forth fruit (through the HS working in our life).
Yet this is what we must strive for, and struggle for, and seek to live for. Because in that struggle and striving is where we meet the L0rd and come closer to Him and fall more and more in love with Him. And where we learn to depend on Him and trust Him. Because we can't do it on our own. Through His power is the only way we will come closer. And we will (come closer that is). Because His Word promises that what He has begun in us He will see through to the end, and that we are and will be sanctified - made more like Chr1st (that though our outer man is decaying and falling away, our inner man is being made new). And also we have the promise of hope - one day, we will reach perfection, Chr1st-likeness. But until then, we must hope in that promise. We must strive (through asking G0d for the power) to both rest in Him and also to accomplish the tasks He has given us on this earth. And to do this and through this we must and will learn to love others and to love Him.
So take heart, the next time you feel restless - either due to boredom or over-exhaustion and legalistic thinking. And let it remind you that you were not made for this place - that it is not permanent, only temporal. And let it point you to the G0d who loves you and wants to change you, and promises to do so if you trust and seek Him. And remember that it is He who gives you even the strength to do that.
"If I discover within myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world." - C.S. Lewis
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Eyes to See
"A woman's eyes are the gateway to her soul." This is an expression that I've heard a lot, and I've always felt that it was slightly corny, but that it had some truth to it. Looking at someone in the eyes connects you to that person - not only does it mean that you are listening to them, paying attention to them and care about them, but it creates a bond, however short - while you are looking at that person and that person is looking at you. It is almost an invitation to know them more.
During my time here, I have had two students mention my eyes in reference to truth. One said that she could tell there was truth in my eyes, and that my eyes conveyed to her that I was genuine and believed the things that I said - that they were real. She connected this with saying that I was gentle and not forceful, and I think my eyes convinced her of the truth I was speaking and the love behind what I was saying. This was totally a gift from the L0rd to use me in this way.
Another friend who I shared with recently told me that when I told her about Chr1st, she had been able to see her "shadow" or her sin in my eyes. I think that the urgency and truth that was coming from the message I was speaking was somehow evident in my eyes. This concept is a very interesting and mysterious thing ... how can you see or "feel" truth in someone's eyes? Yet I think about how you can look at people's eyes when they are talking, and from seeing the expression in their eyes, you understand more about how they feel and what they are thinking - whether they are genuine or fake, whether they are happy or sad, whether they are angry or troubled, whether they believe and mean what they say or whether they are trying to convince themselves or to deceive others.
Sometimes I wonder what we would see if we could look G0d in the eye. Last semester, I went to a really powerful and encouraging women's conference. A lot of us there really felt G0d's presence and that we had met with Him. One of my friends thought that she had heard Him say to her, "You can look me in the eye." Because of what Chr1st did for us, we can approach the throne of grace with confidence. Chr1st IS truth, and through Him we can know God and "look Him in the eye" so to speak. If looking people in the eye is such a special and unique thing, then how great must it be to look G0d in the eye? I want to spend more of my life focusing on this - on seeing Him for who He is, learning about His character, focusing on His truth; instead of focusing on myself and all of the meaningless in comparison details that make up the daily grind.
I want to look deep in to G0d's eyes, and there I will really see the Truth.
During my time here, I have had two students mention my eyes in reference to truth. One said that she could tell there was truth in my eyes, and that my eyes conveyed to her that I was genuine and believed the things that I said - that they were real. She connected this with saying that I was gentle and not forceful, and I think my eyes convinced her of the truth I was speaking and the love behind what I was saying. This was totally a gift from the L0rd to use me in this way.
Another friend who I shared with recently told me that when I told her about Chr1st, she had been able to see her "shadow" or her sin in my eyes. I think that the urgency and truth that was coming from the message I was speaking was somehow evident in my eyes. This concept is a very interesting and mysterious thing ... how can you see or "feel" truth in someone's eyes? Yet I think about how you can look at people's eyes when they are talking, and from seeing the expression in their eyes, you understand more about how they feel and what they are thinking - whether they are genuine or fake, whether they are happy or sad, whether they are angry or troubled, whether they believe and mean what they say or whether they are trying to convince themselves or to deceive others.
Sometimes I wonder what we would see if we could look G0d in the eye. Last semester, I went to a really powerful and encouraging women's conference. A lot of us there really felt G0d's presence and that we had met with Him. One of my friends thought that she had heard Him say to her, "You can look me in the eye." Because of what Chr1st did for us, we can approach the throne of grace with confidence. Chr1st IS truth, and through Him we can know God and "look Him in the eye" so to speak. If looking people in the eye is such a special and unique thing, then how great must it be to look G0d in the eye? I want to spend more of my life focusing on this - on seeing Him for who He is, learning about His character, focusing on His truth; instead of focusing on myself and all of the meaningless in comparison details that make up the daily grind.
I want to look deep in to G0d's eyes, and there I will really see the Truth.
Friday, March 25, 2011
The Truth
The Truth.
Knowing it in your head and knowing it in your heart are two very different things. I had a day recently where the two struggled against each other. It was a day full of fun things and fun people. I had lunch with some friends, rode home on the back of my electric scooter while my friend drove, watched some Gilmore Girls, went to an ultimate frisbee game to watch/hang out with the moms and kids, ate at one of my favorite restaurants for dinner, and then drove out to a nearby town to watch the Carolina game with some of my friends. A pretty eventful and exciting day, but it was littered with sadness and feelings of insecurity. It was one of those "hard days" that shouldn't be hard.
Everything around me seemed "normal" and fun, but my heart was telling a different story. There were constant reminders around me that I'm by myself, that I don't have a special person in my life. I realize I don't need this, and that the fact that I don't have it right now means that G0d knows it's not best for me at this point in my life. I know that. Well, I know it in my head, but not always in my heart. Then there are the lies that creep into my head because of this disconnect between the actual Truth and what I believe in my heart - I start believing that somehow I'm not good enough, that there must be something wrong with me since no one has picked me yet. That G0d isn't enough to satisfy me, that my worth and my identity is defined by who I'm with instead of who I am in Chr1st.
These lies creep in and they are so easy to believe. And even sitting there saying them out-loud to my roommate and knowing they were lies, it was still hard to believe the Truth in my heart - the Truth that having or not having a relationship is not what defines me - that my worth comes from the price Chr1st paid on the cross, that my identity is in Him - I am His daughter, His lover, His friend, His joy. That He loves me just the way I am and that He has a perfect plan for my life. That the reason I am at this place of singleness in my life is because it is what's best for me, and that G0d has perfect timing. That He is enough to satisfy me, and that knowing Him is more wonderful than any other relationship I could ever have.
But this IS the Truth, and these are things that He has been helping me to understand and believe in my heart more over the past few years. I am so thankful that He is changing me in this way, and that He will continue this work He has started in me. And I know that on the other side, I will be so much more grateful for having learned these things and having learned how to love Him better - for after all, He IS love. And His love is unconditional and unchangeable and endures forever. What other love compares to that? What other love is worth trading the experience of that love for? No other love. In that case, I want to experience this love to the fullest, so that through it I discern and see the Truth.
Knowing it in your head and knowing it in your heart are two very different things. I had a day recently where the two struggled against each other. It was a day full of fun things and fun people. I had lunch with some friends, rode home on the back of my electric scooter while my friend drove, watched some Gilmore Girls, went to an ultimate frisbee game to watch/hang out with the moms and kids, ate at one of my favorite restaurants for dinner, and then drove out to a nearby town to watch the Carolina game with some of my friends. A pretty eventful and exciting day, but it was littered with sadness and feelings of insecurity. It was one of those "hard days" that shouldn't be hard.
Everything around me seemed "normal" and fun, but my heart was telling a different story. There were constant reminders around me that I'm by myself, that I don't have a special person in my life. I realize I don't need this, and that the fact that I don't have it right now means that G0d knows it's not best for me at this point in my life. I know that. Well, I know it in my head, but not always in my heart. Then there are the lies that creep into my head because of this disconnect between the actual Truth and what I believe in my heart - I start believing that somehow I'm not good enough, that there must be something wrong with me since no one has picked me yet. That G0d isn't enough to satisfy me, that my worth and my identity is defined by who I'm with instead of who I am in Chr1st.
These lies creep in and they are so easy to believe. And even sitting there saying them out-loud to my roommate and knowing they were lies, it was still hard to believe the Truth in my heart - the Truth that having or not having a relationship is not what defines me - that my worth comes from the price Chr1st paid on the cross, that my identity is in Him - I am His daughter, His lover, His friend, His joy. That He loves me just the way I am and that He has a perfect plan for my life. That the reason I am at this place of singleness in my life is because it is what's best for me, and that G0d has perfect timing. That He is enough to satisfy me, and that knowing Him is more wonderful than any other relationship I could ever have.
But this IS the Truth, and these are things that He has been helping me to understand and believe in my heart more over the past few years. I am so thankful that He is changing me in this way, and that He will continue this work He has started in me. And I know that on the other side, I will be so much more grateful for having learned these things and having learned how to love Him better - for after all, He IS love. And His love is unconditional and unchangeable and endures forever. What other love compares to that? What other love is worth trading the experience of that love for? No other love. In that case, I want to experience this love to the fullest, so that through it I discern and see the Truth.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
The Beginning
So, here I go. ... I've only had one blog before, and it was one I used for my elementary ed classes in college. Needless to say it was pretty boring and I had to write about selected topics and "reflect" out of my wazoo. But now I'm excited to get to choose what I write about and to get to share what's on my mind. I love to write, and often feel that I express myself better that way. I wish that I journaled more, and I thought this might be a fun way to help me reach that goal. So, this site is mostly for me to document events in my life, as well as to self-reflect and write down things that I'm thinking or learning or going through in my life. For anyone who would like to read and get a little taste of how I live and think, you are welcome to take part.
The title comes from the fact that I want to be a light to all those around me. A woman who prayed for me recently said that when she prayed, the image of a candle or a light came into her mind. She said I would be a light to those around me, and that is just what I want to be. I want to share the Truth, and if in some way sharing stories about my life or lessons that I am learning will help others consider the Truth or lead them closer to it, then that would be a great thing. I'm not in anyway claiming that my words or thoughts are always the truth, but rather that I am on a journey to learn more of it and to help others to do the same. Journey with me if you'd like :)
-Michelle
The title comes from the fact that I want to be a light to all those around me. A woman who prayed for me recently said that when she prayed, the image of a candle or a light came into her mind. She said I would be a light to those around me, and that is just what I want to be. I want to share the Truth, and if in some way sharing stories about my life or lessons that I am learning will help others consider the Truth or lead them closer to it, then that would be a great thing. I'm not in anyway claiming that my words or thoughts are always the truth, but rather that I am on a journey to learn more of it and to help others to do the same. Journey with me if you'd like :)
-Michelle
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