You know the feeling. That restless feeling of trying to find something to do and not being satisfied with anything. "Maybe I'll read this book. ... Nah. Maybe I'll read that one. Yea, yea ... no. Maybe I'll get on the computer. ... Eh. Or watch some TV. Okay, I guess so." And then you're distracted for a little while by those things, but they really don't satisfy. They really don't fill you up.
Or maybe you're really busy. Running through the list of things you have to do today, wondering how you'll ever get it done. "Great!" you think, "That's finished. ... But oh, here are the other million things staring me in the face. I just want a break!" So, you think, in the middle of being busy, how can I feel restless? But a similar feeling creeps in - a feeling that tells you this is pointless and wasting your time. That it could be well spent doing something much better.
And often times frustration comes with either extreme - what is the reason for all of it? Why am I not happy? Why am I not satisfied? Why does neither having nothing to do or having everything to do make me feel good about how I'm spending my time? It's during these moments, which, between the two types, happen rather often, that I start to realize I'm not made for this world. Yes, there is a feeling in me that says to relax, to enjoy life, to have things be simple and happy. But being idle often leaves me bored and having a sense of something lacking. And yes, there is also an opposing feeling in me that says to work, to get things done, to check things off so I can be happy and know that I have accomplished something important - that my life (and the days that make it up) have a purpose, have a point. But often the actions that result leave me feeling burnt out and spent and longing for rest and peace.
It is so hard to understand the balance, yet often I sense that there can be no perfect balance, at least not in this life, not on this earth. Because both of these feelings - wanting rest and wanting to serve a purpose - are indeed desires placed in us that foreshadow our purpose in the world we were made for. When we get to heaven, we will fully rest in Chr1st, as well as we will be perfectly accomplishing the purposes He has set out for us to do - simultaneously with no tension and no confusion and no sense of restlessness. But on this earth, though we strive to find the balance, sadly to say it is impossible. This world, because of its fallenness and our sinful nature, will never provide us with satisfaction, and we will never truly understand how to rest in Chr1st while at the same time being faithful and disciplined to do as He calls us - to not waste our time and to use it to bring forth fruit (through the HS working in our life).
Yet this is what we must strive for, and struggle for, and seek to live for. Because in that struggle and striving is where we meet the L0rd and come closer to Him and fall more and more in love with Him. And where we learn to depend on Him and trust Him. Because we can't do it on our own. Through His power is the only way we will come closer. And we will (come closer that is). Because His Word promises that what He has begun in us He will see through to the end, and that we are and will be sanctified - made more like Chr1st (that though our outer man is decaying and falling away, our inner man is being made new). And also we have the promise of hope - one day, we will reach perfection, Chr1st-likeness. But until then, we must hope in that promise. We must strive (through asking G0d for the power) to both rest in Him and also to accomplish the tasks He has given us on this earth. And to do this and through this we must and will learn to love others and to love Him.
So take heart, the next time you feel restless - either due to boredom or over-exhaustion and legalistic thinking. And let it remind you that you were not made for this place - that it is not permanent, only temporal. And let it point you to the G0d who loves you and wants to change you, and promises to do so if you trust and seek Him. And remember that it is He who gives you even the strength to do that.
"If I discover within myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world." - C.S. Lewis
